Magpies and Crows,
big black feathers.
My darkened Angel - protecting all within her wing,
Such a beautiful little thing, such a sacred little thing
that is kept, half animal, half secret..
''..the problem with battling with yourself is that even if you win, you lose. At some point - scarred, and exhausted - you either accept that you must become a woman - that you are a woman - or you die.'' *
(Today, I bleed.)
I had a setback. I got caught in my own, self-spun trap of destruction, depletion; starvation.
I don't want to hurt my body any more. I've experienced enough years of that in my lifetime so far; enough to learn from, and to be wise enough to know that I cannot win, I will not win, and that this game will only bring me nothing but pain, in the long term.
In the short term it feels great - I feel in control, powerful - like I can take on anything, and energized by this power, I feel, that nothing can hurt me. I shut myself off from real feelings, from pain, from truth, and again I begin, this game, I can never seem to win.
It is a battle, and in the end, I always lose.
I'm feeling tired now, and am aware that it will take me a week, or maybe two, (maybe even a few) for me to get my energy back. What have I been doing? How did I get back into this trap? I'm 27 in four weeks' time, aren't I old enough to know better? I'm very happy in my life at the moment. I'm in love and am hopeful about my future. Career wise I'm a little wary of, I have no plan - I just want to create, to write, to share and to give, and to be able to make a decent living from it.
I think I fell back into this trap from the kick - I lost a little weight and it felt good, it gave me boost, I felt energized from it. But then, she took over again, draining the energy and the life from me as quickly as she did give it, and I found myself waking up from bad dreams at 4am in the morning, sat up in bed, cold, hungry, and wide awake.
I will not go back to that way of living.
I will not.
It's time I started to accept who I really am.
It's about time I started to accept myself, as woman.
* - (How To Be a Woman - Caitlin Moran)