Magpies and Crows,
big black feathers.
My darkened Angel - protecting all within her wing,

Such a beautiful little thing, such a sacred little thing
that is kept, half animal, half secret..

''..the problem with battling with yourself is that even if you win, you lose. At some point - scarred, and exhausted - you either accept that you must become a woman - that you are a woman - or you die.'' *

(Today, I bleed.)
I had a setback. I got caught in my own, self-spun trap of destruction, depletion; starvation.
I don't want to hurt my body any more. I've experienced enough years of that in my lifetime so far; enough to learn from, and to be wise enough to know that I cannot win, I will not win, and that this game will only bring me nothing but pain, in the long term.

In the short term it feels great - I feel in control, powerful - like I can take on anything, and energized by this power, I feel, that nothing can hurt me. I shut myself off from real feelings, from pain, from truth, and again I begin, this game, I can never seem to win. 

It is a battle, and in the end, I always lose.

I'm feeling tired now, and am aware that it will take me a week, or maybe two, (maybe even  a few) for me to get my energy back. What have I been doing? How did I get back into this trap? I'm 27 in four weeks' time, aren't I old enough to know better? I'm very happy in my life at the moment. I'm in love and am hopeful about my future. Career wise I'm a little wary of, I have no plan - I just want to create, to write, to share and to give, and to be able to make a decent living from it.

I think I fell back into this trap from the kick - I lost a little weight and it felt good, it gave me boost, I felt energized from it. But then, she took over again, draining the energy and the life from me as quickly as she did give it, and I found myself waking up from bad dreams at 4am in the morning, sat up in bed, cold, hungry, and wide awake.

I will not go back to that way of living.
I will not.

It's time I started to accept who I really am.
It's about time I started to accept myself, as woman.

x

* - (How To Be a Woman - Caitlin Moran)

'..a dark red blotch.'
That's the way I know you best..

Oh Mary,
Oh Mary,
It takes time to adjust.
Never shun your originality.
You were no virgin, but a timeless whore.
So dirty, so beautiful.
Unashamed,
your skin 
bore the colour of crimson and white.
Blood 
covered your hands in that pale night of moon.
The night that you died was the night that you bloomed.

'A curse, or a gift to be alive?,' you whispered.
'A curse, or a gift to be a woman?'

Now I sing for 'dem roots
and I sing for the pain of all women,
and I would gladly recount it to heal our scars,
but I shall never hide them,
I shall never hide that which is truly ours.

It just grows, beyond belief.
It is that sacred, I cannot even begin to try and describe or understand it, it just is,
and it is so beautiful.
Elegantly rooted,
dirty, weird, wild, wonderful;
poignant, timid, awkward.
No longer pale, but blooming with colour and light,
for she lives in 'dem 'roots, twisted underneath'
underneath 'dem vines; edged with purple mould,
and it is in the night, when she comes, alive.
It is a wave of a mystery that I ride, 
sometimes with dignity, sometimes not,
but always with intricacy,
sometimes knowing, sometimes not,
but as long as I am conscious, and as long as I stay true..

I will always crawl..'before I walk away,'

'Soon, this will be all over,' she said
Now..'get filthy, and kiss me.'

For it matters not how long it takes, or in what style..

..it's just a trip..enjoy the ride..

x

'Thence come maidens
much knowing..'

She came into my head, unannounced.

Be me not afraid no more.
She stands beside the door, and offers me her hand.
I'm ready to walk through it now.
I'm ready to understand.